Think Out Loud #19 ~ Double Date

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~ The Sad Anniversary ~ 

Last Thursday marked two important events in my life - one happy, one sad. On August 8, 1995, eighteen years ago, I lost my mom to brain cancer. She had just turned forty in June. I had maybe three weeks until my first day of high school as a freshman; my sister was going into fourth grade. My dad had a week until he turned forty. 

I list all of those numbers because I think it makes a huge point - that we were all too young to deal with the disease that was thrust into our lives. My mom was way too young to die. My dad was way too young to be a widow. My sister was way too young to remember our mom, and she barely has any memories of her. I was way too young to lose my mom right when I was on the threshold of needing her more than ever. 

Early that morning, a severe thunderstorm blew through, hitting my dad's CB tower, and a hole ended up being burned into our carpet. When the storm lifted, my dad, sister, and I spent the morning picking up pieces of the fiberglass that had been blown around the yard. I went inside afterward and took a nap on the couch. My mom was lying comatose in a hospital bed in our living room, an oxygen machine breathing for her. 

That machine lulled me to sleep most nights, except for the times I'd run out into the living room at all hours of the night to make sure she was okay and still alive. I didn't want her to die alone while we were all asleep. Eventually, I just started sleeping on the couch in the living room with her so I wouldn't have to keep getting out of bed. 

While I was napping on the couch, I had a dream that she died and that I called my friend, Brandi, telling her I had a dream my mom died. I woke up, and the very first thing I did was look at the clock which read 11:45 AM. I glanced over at my mom, and I knew she was gone and that maybe my dream was her way of preparing me for the inevitable. 

I never mentioned the time or the dream to anyone until well after the funeral. Then I saw it. In her obituary, the time of death was listed as 11:45 AM. I was so shocked, I had a hard time breathing, and my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. That couldn't be a coincidence, and so to this day, I believe my mom and I were so connected that she knew her death was going to hit me so hard and wanted to prepare me. To this day she still visits my dreams once in a while and gives me advice, which I always take because I know she's always right. 

~ The Happy Anniversary ~ 

On the flip side, the same day also happens to be the day me and my husband's relationship became official when we began dating. We've been together for twelve years now. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on September 14th - we'll have been married for six of those twelve loooong years, lol. ;D My husband doesn't count the August anniversary since we're married, and he says that is the real anniversary. My opinion is that if there hadn't been an anniversary in August, there most likely wouldn't have been a wedding. Duh! On our tenth anniversary, I guilted him into going on a trip, and we chose Vegas. 

So, twelve years, two kids, and three pets later, we're still together. We've traveled over some rocky roads, we've sailed along smoothly at times, and other days are just ordinary ones. 

Now we're getting ready to move on to another stage - we want to sell our house and buy a bigger one. That means we need to get our house ready in the hopes that someone will buy it, and then when we find a sucker home buyer, we can start looking at houses seriously. The bad thing is that the other day we found a few houses we loved only to find out we can't let my sister rent our house. We're actually gonna have to sell it, and who knows how freaking long that's gonna take.

We just want a family room and a basement basically. We're all living on top of each other. There just isn't any room. The way our house is set up is basically like an apartment - we have no dining room, and the kitchen and living room are pretty much the same room. It's crazy. So yeah, we're hoping to move sometime this century. :D  


  1. I bawled my eyes out at the first part of your post. Then John caught me crying and came to see what made me sad. He pointed to your blog button, "Did that make you sad?" The dream is amazing and something you can always hold onto. Her gift.

    I liked when you said, "and other days are just ordinary ones." I'm about to move too and the packing is a mighty task that is making me crazy. I won't have any space for months. No room to breathe because the move is to help me save money to figure out the next step. My books are packed away, pictures, fridge magnets. I tell myself it's just stuff. Stupid stuff I want in piles all around me! I hope you find a buyer and just the right place!

    1. Oh my gosh, I seem to make you cry often. >.< I just know with all my heart that the dream was her way of sending me a message. I had never had a dream about her dying before that. And the fact that our house was struck by lightning that very same day was a sign, too, in my eyes. Like the universe was warning me ahead of time. I just remember smelling smoke and being terrified our house was on fire, wondering how the hell we'd get my mom out of the house since she was in a coma hooked up to a machine. That was the most afraid I've ever been in my life.

      How far away are you going to move from where you currently live? I don't know what we're going to do about selling our place. We have so much stuff in here that we need to get out so someone can look at our house, but where to put it all?? First of all, we're gonna have to rent a dumpster and get rid of a bunch of stuff in our garage.

      How do you cope with your books and pictures packed away? That's going to be hard when that time comes for us, especially those two items. :P I like stuff in piles around me, too, which drives my family crazy, lol. I know everything is going to work out for you with your move; just hang in there. Packing is such a pain. I've never moved before with this much stuff that we have now. It's going to be strange. Thank you - I hope we do, too!

    2. Good luck with the garage! Two years ago I had to make the really big move because I went from 2200 sq ft to 950. I still have stuff in boxes and I'm only going 15 minutes away. But one day I'll settle into a place. I'll have a swing of some sort and a small yard. That's the vision, gotta have one. Everything will come together, like you said. Love the new look and vibe of your blog!

    3. Thanks, Robyn! 15 minutes away isn't too far away, so that won't be too bad of a move. I'm looking forward to settling into a place. I love the way my blog looks now. :) I cleaned it up and now my header fits correctly! Plus, I added a bloodstain to Donnie's shirt. ;)

  2. First off, I love how you redid your banner! Second, I can't even start to imagine losing my mother. That must have been so hard for you. Thank you so much for sharing.

    1. Thank you! I added a blood stain to his shirt, lol, with a photo editor called PicMonkey, which is fabulous. I highly recommend it. I also added in the starry universe kind of overlay. I was so bored with my blog - I've had it for a year and a half now and desperately wanted a change. I was afraid to, though, because a lot of people told me they really liked my blog so I was afraid no one would like it anymore. But I don't think that'll be the case. I think it's a huge improvement, and I'm excited about blogging again with all the new changes. Plus, my header actually fits now instead of overlapping my sidebars! :)

      Sometimes I just have to get the pain off my chest, you know? Thanks so much for reading. :)

  3. Oh my goodness, Jennifer. That was quite an emotional read. I'm so sorry you lost your mom too soon...I can't even imagine. I think losing my mom even now would be too soon. I'm glad she was able to prepare you in some way and it's wonderful that she still visits you. :)

    And I'm so happy you have a good memory of that same date as well. You're right - if you didn't have the Aug anniversary, you wouldn't have the Sept one. And I love your description of the journey of marriage. It does have it's ups and downs...and everything in between. I wish you much luck in this new leg of your journey. Having moved in the last year, I know it's a challenge. But I'm a firm believer in things working out the way they should, so just keep the faith. You'll find a home buyer at the right moment - and you'll find your new home too. :)

    1. Thanks, Brandee, I'm sorry I lost my mom, too. Sometimes I just feel like throwing myself a pity party even though I know there are other people out there who have suffered losses worse than mine. :/

      It's cool how our anniversary happened to fall on that date. I couldn't remember if my mom died on the 8th or the 6th, and when I realized it was the 8th, I thought maybe our relationship was meant to be or something.

      Thank you!! I knew I was right about the Sept anniversary! ;)

      I believe it'll work out; there's just so much to do right now that it seems overwhelming. I haven't had to move much in my life, so it'll be a new experience, lol.


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