Think Out Loud #32 ~ A Bittersweet Day

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Since I became a mom, Mother's Day has become a bittersweet day for me. My mom died of brain cancer in August of '95, almost twenty years ago. She had just turned forty in June. I was fourteen, and my sister was nine. A couple of weeks after she died, my freshman year of high school started.

That first year I walked around in a daze. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was just numb. 

Then my sophomore year came, and everything went to hell. I lost my friends for a period of time. I nearly stopped sleeping at night - I'd get maybe three or four hours if I was lucky. When I came home from school, I'd sleep the evening away in my room. The pain from my loss was so intense, it hurt to breathe. I thought my heart was literally breaking. My grades dropped. For the first time, I began struggling in school. 

My mom in high school, I think her

freshman year of high school 

I slipped into depression and anxiety. I became a cutter not long after graduating high school. I had suicidal thoughts and overwhelming feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I could be in a crowd of people and feel completely alone. I've been in and out of therapy since I was fifteen. None of it has worked. 

I was scared cancer was coming after me next. My maternal grandfather had died of the same type of brain cancer not terribly long before my mom was diagnosed. I remember thinking, how much more can one family take? It's coming for me, it has to be - I'm next in line. The nightmare of watching someone you love being attacked by an unseen enemy all over again seemed too much to bear.  

My mom's senior year photo

I had fourteen years with her, but it wasn't enough. It will never be enough. She wasn't there when I graduated from high school or college, when I got married and had kids. I remember thinking both times I was in labor all I wanted was my mom there to coach me through it. I didn't want anyone else but her. 

My parents - taken at Christmas when 

they were dating in high school 

When my grandpa died of brain cancer, she sat down on the living room floor with me and my sister. I crawled onto her lap, she hugged me, and we cried. She kept a journal while he was going through radiation and later chemotherapy. I read all of it though I knew it was meant to be private. Everything she wrote was how I felt later on when she went through radiation and chemo herself.

I want to scream sometimes at the unfairness of it all. So many things I didn't get to do with her, so much time that slipped through our grasp. It's hard not to be bitter.  

After finding this picture of my 

mom, I bought a jacket similar to hers

and had my friends take a photo

of me making the same face as her. 

I still struggle with depression and anxiety. My cutting days ended not long before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I knew I had to find some other way to deal with the hurt and anger, so I began writing on my arms and legs with a Sharpie.  

The closer I get to forty, the more anxious I feel. She was thirty-eight years old when she was diagnosed, and that age makes me anxious, too. It feels like I won't make it past forty, either. I guess I hope I do although sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is - all the pain and suffering. I don't get it. Maybe it's about the good times. Maybe it's to see how we handle things, although I think that's pretty fucked up. 

While I still feel empty inside without her, I'm grateful I had the time with her that I did and that I'm still here to be with my kids. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I miss you everyday. 

Think Out Loud #31 ~ It's Anarchy! It's Chaos! It's the Purge!

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Yesterday I took my daughter and our friend Mary to see Divergent which was super exciting. I haven't even read the book yet, but I've been dying to see the movie. Now that we've seen the movie, my daughter and I are dying to read the book. I just have to find my copy, lol. Anyway, I'll have a review up of the movie this week sometime. 

But this Think Out Loud post isn't about Divergent as awesome as it was to see that. It's about Anarchy. It's about The Purge 2! 

Last year, I went to see The Purge and while I loved the concept and enjoyed the movie, I found talking about the movie was more interesting than the actual movie itself. So much more could have been done with the high concept plot, and I was left a bit disappointed. 

This movie is one that I wish were adapted into a book. Have you ever felt that way about a movie that isn't based on a book? 

Anyway, I had heard rumors last year during opening weekend for The Purge that due to its success at the box office there would be a sequel in the works. I just didn't think it would be out this year and am so excited to find out it's slated for release in July! 

Here's the trailer I found online: 

My excitement cannot be overstated. It looks awesome! Instead of following a rich family who have tried to barricade themselves in their expensive home, it looks like this time we'll be seeing things from the outside. Is July here yet??

Have you seen The Purge? What did you think? Would you see the sequel?  

Think Out Loud #30 ~ Wouldn't It Be Cool If...

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While waiting on my daughter to get out of school, a sudden thought occured to me - 

My daughter and I were talking about it this morning. She said she thought it would be awesome. So many times she's had to lug home a giant Social Studies textbook that's three times bigger than her just for ten minutes of homework. Really? And it wasn't homework she could get done at school, so it isn't like she has much of a choice. 

It was like that for me when I was in school, too, as I'm sure for millions of other kids as well. Think of the back pain kids are experiencing because of these gigantic textbooks they're carrying home! It can't be good for their backs. It was super uncomfortable to lug home my math textbook, which I had to every night for homework. 

This year, my daughter picked out a Beemo (from Adventure Time) backpack from Hot Topic, and it's HUGE but always filled to the brim. I'd hate to think of what we'd do if her backpack wasn't so roomy. 

If you have kids, what do you think? Wouldn't it be cool if eReaders were made a bit bigger? I'd advocate for non-tablet eReaders since most kids are looking at computer screens a lot already at school and at home. 

My daughter said she thinks a ton of kids would lose them, but I pointed out eReaders are way cheaper than textbooks. When I was in college, some of my textbooks were close to $300 while most eReaders are around $100 or less. Plus textbooks would cost less for schools if they came in eBook format. 

Even if you don't have kids, did you have a ton of heavy textbooks to carry home? What do you think about eReaders taking the place of textbooks? 

Think Out Loud in the comment section below! :D

Think Out Loud #29 ~ New Color!

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I promised a photo of my new hair, and I finally felt like I looked halfway decent enough to take one, lol. 

Here it is! 

Turquoise! 

What do you think??

Think Out Loud #28 ~ Friday I'm In Love

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Friday night I got a hair cut. I get easily bored with my hair and it was getting really heavy. Plus it annoyed me at night when I was trying to sleep. There was just so much of it! 

I've also dyed it a new color!! Can you guess what? It isn't pink anymore for the time being. I love the pink so much that I'll go back to it sometime, but for now... 

Think Out Loud #25 ~ What About the Christmas Queen? Hmm?

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Every year, my dad, sister, niece, mother-in-law, and grandmother-in-law come over to our house early Christmas morning and watch the kids open their presents. My in-laws make a breakfast casserole, and we make cinnamon rolls (well when I say "make," I really mean we roll out the Pillsbury dough, lol). We give our presents to them to open when they come over, too. 

Well, first thing's first. Here's the Christmas aftermath. Yikes!! 

My sister's opening up her daughter's toys. :D

"Here he comes a prowlin'

Lean and hungry..." 

Who Dey!

Jack loves his Bengals uniform. Who Dey!

Janie got some new games for her new 

Nintendo 3DS. And she lurves them. :D

The Christmas Queen, lol 

(Remember Lucy from the Charlie Brown Christmas episode?)

My niecey pie! <3

My husband seems a bit jealous of our son's Darth Vader, lol. 

My dad's opening his super awesome Elvis blanket! :D

One of my presents from Santa was a record of No Doubt's album Tragic Kingdom. It was so cool that the record is orange and to hear my favorite No Doubt album on my record player! :D

How was your Christmas or the holiday you celebrate? :D

Think Out Loud #24 ~ Eep, She's 11!!

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Last weekend Brady and I had our daughter's birthday party. She just turned 11 on December 12th. We had a party for family, and then afterward took a couple of her friends to Dave & Buster's, then they stayed the night. We all had a ton of fun!  

  

Look Ma, I got an Equestria girl! *Rainbow Dash* 

"Who says money doesn't grow on trees??" quipped Janie. 

That girl is one clever chica.  

A very cool idea for a present from her grandmas. 

She struck gold! 

My favorite part - birthday cake! Yum! XD

Brady picked out multicolored candles - cool dad, huh? :D

Jack's belated birthday present from Aunt Shelly and cousin Mila. 

He said, "I love it!!" when he unwrapped it. 

He wants to be Darth Vader SO badly, lol.

 

Mila wants to grab Jack's shoulder, lol.

I wish I had taken pics at Dave & Buster's, but I was lazy plus Jack and I were on a mission to win something awesome. We ended up winning a Nerf gun for him - he's super jealous of Janie's Nerf Rebelle bow and arrow. 

He says he doesn't care if it's girly, lol.

Ok, so what do I do now? I can't believe just a couple years ago I was freaking out about Janie turning 9, and here she is 11.  That was what my very first blog post was about. So many people out there think having kids is something they're entitled to, but I see it as a privilege. I didn't do anything to deserve a daughter like her, but I happen to be lucky enough to have this extraordinary young lady in my life. 

So how do I deal with the fact that she's growing up and is eventually going to keep us, her parents, at a distance while she's figuring out who she is and what she wants from life? I obviously don't want to keep her from growing as her own person because we're raising an adult, not a child. We're raising her to become independent and to navigate this world we live in with the skills she's going to need (I watch a lot of Dr. Phil, lol). But I miss those times when she used to sit with me in my chair, and we'd draw pictures together or play tic-tac-toe. 

Yesterday, I dug out my photo albums to find a photo of me from high school for my blog tour stop for the novel Class of '98 by A.L. Player. Plus, I remember Jack's first Christmas back in '09 so well. He was just a month old, and I dressed him up like Santa, an outfit from my mother-in-law (I'll post pics soon). I promised him I'd show him pictures from when he was a baby, and he oohed and aahed over them, lol. It was cute. 

But Janie wouldn't sit next to us when I asked her to. She said she'd rather sit and look at them alone. It really hurt my feelings, but I said okay. I couldn't help thinking God it's starting already. 

Yet she had a music program at the high school the night of her birthday on the 12th, and when the curtains opened, I could see her looking for us in the audience. So I think she's doing a push-and-pull kind of thing right now. 

I was horrified last year when I realized she was hanging out with different friends, and I had no idea who. I am staying plugged in to her life and what's going on, but there's only so long she'll talk. She has to do it herself on her own terms. If I ask her, she doesn't even say yes or no loud enough for me to hear, and I have to ask her again, which really annoys her. Which in turn annoys me because I feel like it's disrespectful. 

Anyone who has kids or not, who'd like to start a support group with me, just let me know. I sure could use one! O.o Am I overreacting? How do I accept she's growing up so fast? 

    

Think Out Loud #23 ~ Happy Thanksgiving

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Happy Turkey Day guys! 

For all of my non-U.S. friends, have an awesome day!! <3

  

Image from simply_kumquat (Flickr Creative Commons)   

Think Out Loud #22 ~ It's Your Birthday!

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Last Sunday was my son's fourth birthday. Where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday I was in denial about being in labor. 

We had a birthday party for him on Saturday, the day before his birthday. I just really like having parties on Saturdays. 

We got Jack a tablet! He loves it. :) He "plays" Words with Friends, SongPop, plus we downloaded a drawing app for him. 

When he opened his presents from Aunt Sara, he was like, "I really like this!" Such a funny little guy! 

He's obsessed with the Ninja Turtles right now and picked them out for his cake. 

His fave is Donatello, who was always mine, too. 

You do not want to know what his birthday wish was, lol! I died of embarrassment. >.<

Beau got into the festive spirit. :D

Our daughter will be eleven on the 12th of December. Help me! O.o

Think Out Loud #20 ~ The Last One I Adopt - I Promise!!

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A lot has been going on lately, and I have so much to tell you all since I've been sucking at doing TOLs lately. >.< 

~ The New Addition ~

This poor kitty was just dumped by somebody last week on my street, and my mother-in-law (who lives across the street from us) had been feeding him. He kept following us home, and he hung out with us while we had a garage sale last Saturday. I saw him sleeping on my husband's lap and knew he had fallen in love with the kitten, too, lol. See below. ;D 

We've taken him in, and my husband named him Billy. This is the last one, I swear! I am not turning into a crazy cat lady!! No way! 

First came Charlie:

Next came Charlotte: 

After that came Beau:

Now we have Billy:

My rationale is since we're eventually going to get a bigger house, there'll be more room for four pets. But that's it. A lady tried to talk us into getting a puppy from her, and I was like no way lady, lol!

~ Steps to Selling Our House ~ 

1. Rent a large dumpster and rid out the garage - check!

2. Have a garage sale to get rid of the nicer things and try to make some money for paint, etc. that we need to spruce up the house - sorta check! We only made $60. Where the hell was everyone??? 

3. a. Take whatever doesn't sell to Goodwill - check!

b. Take kids' clothes to Once Upon a Child to sell/donate 

4. Rent a small dumpster and clean out the house once more

5. Buy the supplies to fix up the house

6. Make an appt. for the real estate lady to see how much our house is worth

7. Put the house up for sale

8. Live for a long time with a "For Sale" sign out front of our house, lol 

Well, everything's coming along. Every weekend we're doing something. :)

~ Band ~ 

Yay!!! Janie has her trumpet, and this past Monday was her first class! Kids here start band in 5th grade, and at the end of school last year, Janie tested highest on the trumpet and flute. She chose to play the trumpet. It's funny because I played the trumpet (sold it to my friend's brother, lol), and my sister played the flute. We're renting a trumpet for Janie, and she's doing so well already! I'll try to take some pictures of her with her trumpet if she'll let me. ;D 

How are you guys doing? Love you guys for commenting!! I appreciate each and every one; they make my day! :D

Think Out Loud #19 ~ Double Date

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~ The Sad Anniversary ~ 

Last Thursday marked two important events in my life - one happy, one sad. On August 8, 1995, eighteen years ago, I lost my mom to brain cancer. She had just turned forty in June. I had maybe three weeks until my first day of high school as a freshman; my sister was going into fourth grade. My dad had a week until he turned forty. 

I list all of those numbers because I think it makes a huge point - that we were all too young to deal with the disease that was thrust into our lives. My mom was way too young to die. My dad was way too young to be a widow. My sister was way too young to remember our mom, and she barely has any memories of her. I was way too young to lose my mom right when I was on the threshold of needing her more than ever. 

Early that morning, a severe thunderstorm blew through, hitting my dad's CB tower, and a hole ended up being burned into our carpet. When the storm lifted, my dad, sister, and I spent the morning picking up pieces of the fiberglass that had been blown around the yard. I went inside afterward and took a nap on the couch. My mom was lying comatose in a hospital bed in our living room, an oxygen machine breathing for her. 

That machine lulled me to sleep most nights, except for the times I'd run out into the living room at all hours of the night to make sure she was okay and still alive. I didn't want her to die alone while we were all asleep. Eventually, I just started sleeping on the couch in the living room with her so I wouldn't have to keep getting out of bed. 

While I was napping on the couch, I had a dream that she died and that I called my friend, Brandi, telling her I had a dream my mom died. I woke up, and the very first thing I did was look at the clock which read 11:45 AM. I glanced over at my mom, and I knew she was gone and that maybe my dream was her way of preparing me for the inevitable. 

I never mentioned the time or the dream to anyone until well after the funeral. Then I saw it. In her obituary, the time of death was listed as 11:45 AM. I was so shocked, I had a hard time breathing, and my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. That couldn't be a coincidence, and so to this day, I believe my mom and I were so connected that she knew her death was going to hit me so hard and wanted to prepare me. To this day she still visits my dreams once in a while and gives me advice, which I always take because I know she's always right. 

~ The Happy Anniversary ~ 

On the flip side, the same day also happens to be the day me and my husband's relationship became official when we began dating. We've been together for twelve years now. Our wedding anniversary is coming up on September 14th - we'll have been married for six of those twelve loooong years, lol. ;D My husband doesn't count the August anniversary since we're married, and he says that is the real anniversary. My opinion is that if there hadn't been an anniversary in August, there most likely wouldn't have been a wedding. Duh! On our tenth anniversary, I guilted him into going on a trip, and we chose Vegas. 

So, twelve years, two kids, and three pets later, we're still together. We've traveled over some rocky roads, we've sailed along smoothly at times, and other days are just ordinary ones. 

Now we're getting ready to move on to another stage - we want to sell our house and buy a bigger one. That means we need to get our house ready in the hopes that someone will buy it, and then when we find a sucker home buyer, we can start looking at houses seriously. The bad thing is that the other day we found a few houses we loved only to find out we can't let my sister rent our house. We're actually gonna have to sell it, and who knows how freaking long that's gonna take.

We just want a family room and a basement basically. We're all living on top of each other. There just isn't any room. The way our house is set up is basically like an apartment - we have no dining room, and the kitchen and living room are pretty much the same room. It's crazy. So yeah, we're hoping to move sometime this century. :D  

Think Out Loud #18 ~ The Summer of Craziness

 

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I don't know if anyone else watches Big Brother, but it's my addiction every summer. This year the show has had to put a disclaimer for the first time ever before every episode because two of the house guests - Aaryn and Gina Marie - were spouting off all kinds of racial slurs, caught on the live feed. The disclaimer basically states that CBS isn't liable for any inappropriate things the house guests might say or do, blah blah blah.

 

Both girls have lost their jobs in real life though they don't know it yet, hahahaha! I think they spewed their shit about every minority out there. When one of the other house guests confronts Aaryn, she says she hasn't said anything wrong. I'm like, Wow, really??? WTF?? What really disappoints me is that CBS didn't kick these girls off the show. They should have at least been talked to by the producers, but it doesn't seem like they were. I just can't believe their audacity.

 

Do you watch Big Brother? What do you think? 

Think Out Loud #17 ~ Freak Out!

 

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School will be starting really soon, so I'm having freak out moments. I don't want my little girl to go into fifth grade! :'( Then I think about how it won't be long before my son will be in kindergarten. He's a winter baby, so it'll be two more years. He's three right now and will be four in November. Then what?

 

I won't be going into the work force any time soon because I'll be watching my niece still until she's in kindergarten which will be in four or five years. Ugh. By then I'll be too old to want to go to grad school so I can do something with the psych degree I have. I'm not even sure if I want to be a grief counselor anymore. I'd rather hide out at home taking care of kids than get a job in "the real world" again. Not that staying home is easy, either, but it feels safer for me sometimes. I don't have to deal with bosses breathing down my neck.

 

How do you feel about your kids going back to school? I hope you aren't feeling as despondent as I am. :)