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Photo courtesy of Wondermar at Pixabay
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“Saying Goodbye”
“Are you ready?”
“I’m not sure…does it have to be now? I’m afraid…”
Daddy looked down at me with his gentle smile, puffs of breath steaming in the cold air. I let go of Daddy’s hand and wrapped my coat around me tighter. The chill seemed to penetrate my thick coat. I grabbed his hand again.
“You don’t have to be afraid. I’m right here with you. Mommy’s waiting for you.” At the mention of her, I looked up and saw the tears gathering in his eyes. He blinked them back when he saw that I noticed.
“She is?” I asked uncertainly.
Daddy smiled through his tears. “Yes, baby, she’s always been waiting. I’m going to help you – you won’t be alone, I promise.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes against the weak sunlight. “Okay, Daddy, I…” The next thing I knew, I saw my Mommy. I had crossed over.
Okay, critique time! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Give it to me straight - I can take it, lol. Thank you so much! <3
Nice story. I loved the connection between the girl (I assume she's a girl) and her father. And it's touching somehow, as it's obvious the father doesn't want to leave her.
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http://theartistcreativeforum.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-400-word-story-beach-man-1.html
Kaykay @ The Creative Forum
Yep, she's a girl. :) I didn't think about making her gender obvious for some reason, lol. I thought it would be interesting if the girl's father was the one who helped her cross over to the other side. It's really sad because not only did the man lose his wife, he's also lost his little girl. He'll have a lot of grieving to go through.
DeleteThanks so much for reading! :D I will definitely read your story. :D
Sheesh, I could tell early on this wasn't some childhood right of passage. Good anticipation. I think it was the line about the puffs of cold air, painted a great picture, at the same time, felt ominous. I really enjoyed this! The only thing I'd comment on is the "I asked uncertainly." The little girl's question indicates she's uncertain and I think the extra word slows the reading down, but I am not one of those anti-adverb "ly" people at all, sometimes those "ly" additions aid the author in showing their voice, especially in YA novels.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've read different opinions on the use of adverbs. What I was going for was that being just a little girl, she's afraid to cross over without her mom waiting for her on the other side. She's afraid of being alone. I thought it would be interesting and a bit more heartbreaking if her father was the one to help her cross over and not an angel or other entity.
DeleteI just read a blog post this morning about using active verbs to make your story stronger, which I'm going to practice doing before this Friday's microfiction contest. :) Microfiction is so difficult to write! Kudos to those who can write an entire story in 100-150 words!!
I read an editing book that slammed ly words and everyone likes to quote the greats who say things like "death to the adverb." But with the explosion of the YA and NA markets, and younger readers and writers, the current trend is to use those words for the reader to make the read more fun or more emotional. More something. You conveyed the trepidation in the scene for sure. I was just thinking about how hard it must be to get a story in or anything in under those constraints. I can't even write a query letter! I can create a story in 14k words...150...I don't think so.
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