I'd like to share my entries with you each week, although knowing how lazy I can be, I may not enter every single week, lol! Whenever I do, though, I'd love to post my entry here to share with you. :) If you would like to participate in this contest every Friday click the following link for more info: Flash Friday blog .
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Photo courtesy of Mensatic, Morguefile
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“Perfect Day”
Violet dreamed of leaving her hometown and starting afresh far away. She wanted to meet new people, see new places, and have new experiences. Only sixteen, she had two more years of being stuck in this tiny town where everyone knows everyone. At Violet’s favorite spot, she climbed the ladder held up by her favorite tree until she could see the expanse of fields surrounding the trees.
Her heart seized in her chest. She must be hallucinating. Had she smoked that much? The group of things swarmed over the green grass, the sunlight beaming down on them. She was screwed.
Any comments and critiques are appreciated! Give it to me straight - I can take it, lol! I need to know what I can do to improve. Thanks! :D
I can perfectly imagine the small town she's so eager to flee. That's excellent! This part, "she climbed the ladder held up by her favorite tree until she could see the expanse of fields surrounding the trees" could stop at expanse of fields, or expanse of fields crawling for miles. I want an image of the fields instead of the mentioning of trees again. With this one sentence you could tell me the season, her homelife...farm girl...tomboy, even her income level. I like the last sentence a lot, but the word things is too vague. Is the swarm unnatural? I like the voice, Jennifer, that to me is the most important element to any story. Happy writing.
ReplyDeleteI see what you mean - that line is redundant, and it's already implied she's looking out over trees. I was thinking she's a farm girl. What would be a good sentence to convey that without just coming out and saying it?
DeleteHaha, the swarm! I honestly was thinking of zombies, lol. How freaky would it be on a perfect, sunny day to look out over fields and see a horde of zombies shambling your way? I think it might scare me more than if it was night. :)
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your insight!! Love it! I can't wait for this Friday's contest. Have you thought about doing it, too? It's really fun. :D
It looks like fun...goodness I want to, but I'm working on getting the first book in my next series out for the fall. If I do this, I'll be daydreaming storylines. I love that it's a swarm of zombies! I'd be so freaked. She's sort of hidden away, which makes it all worse because then she'll have to decide to hide or flee. A wave of death, a breeze of the worst stench, the leaves rustling with the droning sound of zombies, there's so much you could do with her up on that ladder. With farm girl I think John Deer and farmer tan. Maybe she's in a tank top because she's determined to get rid of her farmer tan. I'll be tuning in for sure!!
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